Twas the night before Christmas... 2 variants plus a memo

Some detritus my hard disk has accumulated over the years, suitable for the
season...

Ho Ho Ho on de Bayou

Wuz de night befo' Chrisma, wit de moon big lak jumbo, Us Cajun was stirrin' a
big pot o' gumbo. Sock we sho got, but we don' got no shoes. De cillern all
cover good down on de flo' Wit moss onderneat, so dey don' get so soe. Mama at
de chimney is roastin' de ham An boilin' de couboulliion, and bakin' de yam.
Wen out on de bayou, dey go such a clatter Man, it soun' lak Gros Boudreaux
don fall off a ladder. Ah run lak a rabbit to get to de do', Trip on de dog
and fall on de flo'. As ah look out de do' in de light of de moon, Ah tink,
Man, you crazy, or you goin' be soon! Cuz dere on de bayou, wen ah stretch mah
neck stiff Ah see eight alligator, and dey pullin' a skiff. Dem gator wuz
swift, down de bayou dey came, As' de driver he holla and call dem by name:
"Haw, Comeaux!, Haw Boudreaux!, Fontenont and Alcide! Gee Phydeaux!, Gee
Thibodeaux!, Alphonse and Pladide! To the top of de poch, to de top of de
wall, Crawl up dere, Alligator, and be so' you don' fall!" Lak dat up de poch
de alligator dey climb With a skiff full of playtings and Sait Nicklas behin'.
Den on top ob de chimney ah hear a big "BAM!"
 When Sait Nicklas he fall "sit-first" on de yam.
"Sacre Bleu," he say, "Ah bet my pants got a hole
 Where ah set dem down on dem big red-hot coal!"
He wuz dress all in muskrat, from him head to him foot An' his clos' is all
cover wit ashes and soot. A sack full of playtings he t'row on his back, He
look lak a criminal, an' dat's fo' a fack! His eye how dey chine, his dimple
how merry! His cheeck lak rad roses, his nose lak a cherry. He have white hair
on his chin, and a big fat belly Dat shake wen he laff, lak de strawberry
jelly. A wink ob his eye an' a shake ob his han', Ah gayrontee, ah lak dis fat
man! He don' do no talkin', an got rat to work, Put playtings in socks and den
turn wit a jerk. He put bot' his han' on top ob his head, He look at de
chimney, and den he done said: "Wif all dat dere fire, and dem red hot yam Ah
don' go back up dat way again!" So he run out de do' and clime on de roof, He
jump in his skiff, and he crack his big whip. Man, dem alligator, dey MOVE,
and dey do not slip! An ah hear him holla as down de bayou he go, "Merry
Chrisma! Merry Chrisma!" till ah see him no mo'.

c) Dr.Ed Metcalf

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world
that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at
the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had
vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use
just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4
pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his
sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to
call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened." And to show you the
strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use
of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd had
enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er
had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of
leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just
for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to
embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and
Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. No baseball, no
football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to
dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would
rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to
be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite
empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something
special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left
or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of
people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone,
everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... "May
you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

c) Harvey Ehrlich, 1992

Subject: Lt General CLAUS, Commander, Joint Arctic Operations
Detachment, Distinguished Visitor, Date: Monday, December 20, 1999 1:49PM

1. An official visit by Lt Gen Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this
headquarters 25 December 1999. The following instructions will be in effect
and govern the activities of all personnel during the visit:

a. Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will include
indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary administrative actions
will be obtained through normal command channels. Mice stirring permits will
be obtained through the Surgeon General's office (Veterinary Services).

b. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200
hours, 24 December 1999. Uniform for the nap will be: Pajamas, cotton, light,
drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose, camouflage;
and Cap, camouflage w/ear flaps. Equipment will be drawn from supply
prior to 1900 hours, 24 December 1999.

c. Personnel will utilize standard ration sugar plums for visions to dance
through their heads. This item will be drawn from the servicing dining
facility.

d. Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney with care.
Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards caused by
carelessly hung stockings. Unit Safety Officers will submit stocking hanging
plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours, 24 December 1999, for
approval.

e. At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all troops will spring from
their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear
open the shutters and thrown open the window sashes. ODCSOPS Plan (Saint
Nick), Reference SO No. 3, paragraph 6c, this headquarters, 2 February 1995,
will be in effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. Division
chiefs will familiarize all personnel with procedures and are responsible for
ensuring that no shutters are torn open nor window sashes thrown prior to
start of official clatter.

f. Prior to 2400, 24 December 1999, all personnel will be assigned "Wondering
Eye" stations. After shutters are thrown and sashes are torn, these stations
will be manned.

g. ODCSLOG will assign one each Sleigh, miniature, M-66, and eight (8)
deer, rein, tiny, for use of Lt Gen Claus' driver who, in accordance with
current directives and other applicable regulations, must have a valid SF 56
properly annotated by Driver Testing; be authorized rooftop parking; and be
able to shout "On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen, up Comet, up Cupid,
on Donner and Blitzen."

2. Lt Gen Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All
units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use during
ceremonies. Chimney simulator units will be requested on Engineer Job Order
Request Form submitted to the Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 December 1999,
and issued on AF Form 3161, Request for Issue or
Turn-In.

3. Personnel will be rehearsed on shouting "Merry Christmas to all and to all
a good night." This shout will be given on termination of General Claus'
visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of division chiefs.

 /S/ CHRISTOPHER K. RINGLE, Colonel, USAF OIC, Special Services

DISTRIBUTION: Everybody Who Still Believes (Slightly changed from Army to Air
Force)

- Author Unknown, via USAF Ramstein 1996, dates changed by me