From: Barclay, Tom <tomb@b...>
Date: Sun, 30 Jul 2000 00:06:26 -0400
Subject: Please ignore ramblings from Mr. Han - our apologies [OT]
Bulletin from the National Center for Canadian Sovereignty (External Affairs Division). Mr. Han has been severely disciplined for his very un-neighbourly ramblings about a Canadian Conspiracy. He is clearly deranged. People of America, be not afraid. There is no such thing as a Canadian Conspiracy. Do not be alarmed. Return to your homes. Return your Armed Forces to their barracks and bases. There is no cause for alarm. I repeat: There is no Canadian Conpiracy to conquer the United States. If there were (hypothetically) such plans, would we entrust such vital items of National Interest, surely secret in nature, to such an indiscrete individual as Mr.Han? I think not. For those of you interested in contacting Mr.Han, he has been transfered to an isolation posting 600 km (roughly 360 miles for our American friends) North of Inuvik. His assignment there is indefinite in duration. It appears his assignment is to count the varieties of snowflakes in the Canadian North. We suspect this will keep him from unduly alarming our (sometimes overly "concerned") Southern neighbours and friends about the possibilities of insidious Canadian plots to dominate their country's intelligentsia, entertainment industry, news industry, and computer industry. Rest assured, Canada has NO plans to take over the United States. I'm sure, if you ask any of the millions of Canadians in key positions in the U.S. economic and political machine, they will gladly explain to you their benign and harmless nature. Please ignore and future alarmist prattlings. Discount rumors of research at the world reknowned Univeristy of Toronto genomics laboratories into "genetic manipulation", of research into Paranormal "mind control" at the University of Ottawa, and research into the Orbital Optical Cereberal Manipulator (wrongly known sometimes as the Orbital Mind Control Laser) as a joint venture between Nortel and the University of Waterloo. There are no truth to these rumors. And remember: Canadians are your friends. Canadians can be trusted. Canadians are not terribly patriotic - how could they be a threat? It's too cold up here for us to be interesting. Nothing worth noticing happens here. Seriously, don't look. You're wasting your time. Stay at home. If a Canadian comes for a visit, think of him or her as just a long lost dearly-loved cousin. Remember, YOUR interests are OUR interests.