> On Friday, January 25, 2002, at 05:29 AM, Alan and Carmel Brain wrote:
> ...But we humans feel something between mild irritation and intense
He meekly raises his hand. After the other Furpy what was I suppose to think
mate?
From: "Kevin Walker" <sage@chartermi.net>
> > OK, Hands up. How many of you thought this was a Furphy ( Australian
No worries. (BTW Etymology of Furphy - Mr Furphy manufactured water
tanks
used in Gallipoli - so any tall story told by Diggers to each other by
the water tanks became known as a "Furphy.")
"Crocadile Dundee" got something right: about trivial matters we Bullshit a
lot. We especially like leading USAians up the garden path. The important
stuff is spoken laconically.
I really, truly can see Colonials in the Tuffleyverse doing exactly the same
thing to the poor benighted Earthies.
P.S. BTW the Ogre stuff you've so kindly sent to me in the past got a good
exercising today - I opened up the demo/participation OGRE game at 0930
G'day again,
> On Australian wildlife, the English comedian described the
This is a piece I got through email a while back... its in the same kinda
spirit;)
Cheers
Beth
> [quoted text omitted]
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom
half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many
unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken
out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep
into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of
geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great
Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more
frightening theory, but they can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place.
Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either
continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be
divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of
the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them.
Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous
arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes,
possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the spiders won't
go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before
putting them on) under toilet seats (before sitting
down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.
Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are
more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the
common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life
digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out
to eat worms and grubs.
The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible.
Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic
weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads.
Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9
wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this
by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat
becomes an asymmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but
not adequately described.
The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour. If
a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel
the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it will brace
its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible
force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and
attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The
unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat
prevents him from seeking assistance. This is
considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians
don't talk about it much.
At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative
of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays
eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has
venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical'
Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short
history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in
boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and lot of them died.
The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper
place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot
of the intervening time making up strange stories. Then, around 200 years ago,
Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts
were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to
plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the
seasons when moving from
the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot
of them died. About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever
since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider
themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can
lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they
say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left
in
the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday
and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused
by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a
person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of
their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking
inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up
the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for
making up stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the
nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into
the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a
fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has
venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and
surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect
Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and
always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are an
American. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile
disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering
feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is
Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that
Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz",
"Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and "Best bloody place
on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating thing about this is they may be
right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not under any
circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it
to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and
Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don't care too much
about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to "So,
howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best {insert your own regional swear word
here} country in the world!". It is very likely that, on arriving, some
cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you, and on your first night, and take you
to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not
refuse. It
is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an
astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange
clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any
legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to
the pub.", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be
sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you
encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the
beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use
of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.
* Typical Australian sayings
- "G'Day!"
- "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."
- "She'll be right."
- "And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn
and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear is crystal, and the
white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And where,
around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes,
and the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household
word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."
* Tips to Surviving Australia
- Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We
mean it.
- The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you
think it is.
- Always carry a stick.
- Air-conditioning.
- Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained
linguist and good in a fistfight.
- Thick socks.
- Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
people nearby.
- If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you
at all times, or you will die.
- Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is
always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most useful thing
ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals,
When I was stationed in the Sinai there was an Australian Helicopter Unit in
the North Camp at El Gora. I was up there and went over to their bar. Walked
in the door and 2 burly fellows threw me out the window. Being an Airborne
Trooper I jumped up and got ready to go in and regulate. Well by the time I
got off the ground the first one was flying out the window, having been thrown
out by some others. He and I went back in, drank too much and joined back in
on the ritual <G>.
Magic
[quoted original message omitted]
> From: "Alan and Carmel Brain" <aebrain@austarmetro.com.au>
> "Crocadile Dundee" got something right: about trivial matters we
Same with local regions in the US, especially more rural ones. F'rinstance, it
really doesn't rain as much in the PNW as we lead on (ok, not QUITE as much.
Last year in Oregon, only 4 people drowned after falling off their
bicycles. ;-)
> I really, truly can see Colonials in the Tuffleyverse doing exactly the
Oh, definitely.