NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE]

In a typical British rush to imperialism, you have neglected to note that we
have until January 20, 2001 to select a new president. However, we do have the
following questions and comments:

1. Would this revocation of independence also include the elimination
of all good-tasting food and confiscation of any spices we may
possess?

2. Would we have to close down all tanning salons and open up centers for
paling (although Michael Jackson seems up for it)?

3. We suppose we could compromise on the national symbol, combining the
British lion and the American eagle to a new symbol, the griffon.

4. We think tabloid journalism is bad enough here already; would we really
have to become as fanatic about it as the motherland?

5. If 97.85% (or 98.85% -- you seem confused) of us are unaware of a
world outside our borders, how can we look down our nose at them?

6. Do you realize the riots that will occur when you try to take away
everyone's morning coffee and replace it with tea?

7. Would we have to send a special police force to Boston to beat up the
Irish?

8. Is this the end of America's cable television system? Will we now be
reduced to two channels?

9. In response to your calling our American football players nancies, we will
be sending a delegation consisting of the offensive line of the Philadelphia
Eagles to address your concerns. The delegation will be headed by 6'7" 330 lb.
Offensive Tackle John Runyan who has expressed excitement over meeting the
person who made that comment. Also, 6'7" 349 lb. Offensive Tackle Tra Thomas
has relayed an interest in getting into a rugby game with some of his possible
fellow countrymen. I believe his sentiments were to the effect that he hoped
to meet some "real men" who didn't need that pansy body armor he uses. (We
felt the choice of Philadelphia to represent us was appropriate since that is
where we finally decided to stop taking your crap and kick your ass last
time.)

10. As to the comment that we might wish to play SOCCER with the
girls, we would be happy to send our silver-medal-winning women's
SOCCER team over to play your men's team, which fared much worse than
our fourth-place boys in the recent Olympic competition.  We believe
that would be a more appropriate match.

11. Banning American cars would do a disservice to all the British subjects
who don't care for the tight stiff ride of an all too utilitarian affordable
German car and can't afford the overpriced,
problem-ridden Jaguars of their native land.  (Of course that is now
an American owned entity so it may be disqualified.)

12. Finally, to your comments concerning Quebec and the French. You will
recall that the French were of great assistance to us in defying your
arrogance in the late 18th century. We feel it would be inappropriate for us
to forget that kindness. However, considering the recent behavior of the
French, if you would like to team up with them in your collective insults
toward the U.S., we would be happy to take on both of you at once although
that still wouldn't be fair. Maybe you should ask Germany for some help too
since you like their cars so much.

13. Please tell us what really happened with Princess Diana. It's been driving
us crazy.

> 12. Finally, to your comments concerning Quebec and the French. You

I seem to recall that the French only helped the Americans to defy the Brits.
And as for Quebec, the provincial flag has the symbol of the old
royalty, the fleur-de-lis. And twice they fought the Americans, 1777 and
1812

> 13. Please tell us what really happened with Princess Diana. It's